The simple answer is no. No, I'm not excited to get married.
If I have the time and the proper relationship with whoever asks me, I give that answer and explain that what I am excited about is to have a giant party with everyone we love in the world in attendance, giving us thoughtful gifts we can't afford ourselves and celebrating the concept of love. But I'm not excited to get married because essentially, nothing will change. So stop asking.
Don't get me wrong - I know that we'll now have certain legal protections and rights - like very important medical and hospital rights - that make marriage important, and make it something worth fighting for so that all people can access those rights. But for the (knock on wood) immediate future, nothing's changing. In a time past, yes, a ton would change. But that time, when couples didn't co-habitat or sleep together (maybe) until marriage hasn't been around for while.
But this is one of the things I've learned are expected of women when they're engaged. We are expected to be incredibly excited about getting married. We are also in charge of planning a huge, multi-layered event, carefully balancing the desires and demands of two families, trying not to step on toes while ultimately working towards what we want at our own "big day"s.
We already live together. We have a joint bank account and a dog. We had all those things before we were engaged. And we had something else, too - a deep and meaningful love and commitment to each other. So really, other than a few little details, nothing is going to change when we get married. We'll still have all those things. We'll still be committed to each other, we'll still work together to pay the bills and vacuum up animal hair, we'll still argue over where to go for dinner. We will still have to make an effort to meet each other's needs, still feel the pure and simple happiness of waking up next to the person we love every morning. We won't gain more commitment, and we won't lose any of the trouble spots within our relationship.
So why should I be excited to get married?
Then why are you getting married if it essentially means nothing to you?
ReplyDelete"I know that we'll now have certain legal protections and rights - like very important medical and hospital rights - that make marriage important, and make it something worth fighting for so that all people can access those rights."
DeleteThanks Juniper, for posting that in reply. You're right Michael, the simple idea of the label of marriage itself doesn't do much for. But the legal rights I will have with my partner, as well as the concept of a party with everyone we love in the world, celebrating our love and making it official to the world, does mean something to me. I just don't believe that marriage will change anything about the most important thing - the relationship.
DeleteI get it sweetie! And sometimes during the wedding planning I was SO NOT EXCITED to be getting married because it was so stressful!
ReplyDeleteWhat I was excited about was -BEING- married. :) I made the differentiation for sure! And some things did change for me after we got married even though we were together twelve years before. :) Thats okay because nobody is the exact same person every year forever. We change, we embrace change, and that's exciting too! That's all part of being married though, not just 'getting' married.
You're right, the stress of planning a wedding really does not help one feel more excited! And that's a great point about things changing after one is married because no one stays the same and we continue to evolve. I like your differentiation between "getting" married and "being" married, thank you for the food for thought!
DeleteThank you for posting this. Just found it on a search and I was hoping I wasn't the only one in this situation!
ReplyDeletethank you. I am so in this situation right now.
ReplyDelete