shootings and sexism: not just a women's issue

The Sandy Hook massacre has got to be one of the worst events of my lifetime. September 11th was bad, and war and other shootings are bad, but for a man to go into an elementary school and murder children is simply unthinkable.
When I wasn't busy pouring over new reports and holding back tears when pictures of the young victims appeared on my facebook newsfeed while on the train, I was thinking. Thinking about how all but one of the deadliest school-related shooting in America have been committed by men, most of them privileged white men.

Why does this matter? Because it's a profile. Men - over and over again, it's men doing these things.

But I'm not writing this piece to blame men. I'm writing it because it's a crystal clear example of why sexism is not just a women's issue, it's everyone's issue.

There's a wretched stigma against mental illness in this country, but it's even worse for men. In a society where
women purportedly never shut up about their feelings, it's only natural that those tendencies would cause them to end up on a couch in a psychologist’s office.

Men, however, are conditioned from childhood to not show emotion, not discuss their feelings, and not show vulnerability. They're supposed to "tough it out."

What's the result? A country full of men who are out-of-touch with their emotions to some degree, most of whom would never seek the help of a therapist, or would even recognize that they need help.

According to the World Health Organization, mental illnesses occur the same or more in men than in women. But, statistics also show that there are many more women than men diagnosed with depression and other mental illnesses.

In fact, according to the World Health Organization, even when men do seek help, they are five times less likely than women to be diagnosed with depression, despite reporting the exact same symptoms.

Extending this result, we see a country full of men who have mental illnesses just like women, but who do no seek treatment. And that's really bad. When a mental illness like depression goes untreated, individuals can detach from reality. Depression can make people feel numbed to the world, feel empty, feel sad and full of self-loathing. These feelings, untreated, can lead to a dangerous place.

I'm not saying that if only all these male shooters would have been more open about their feelings that this wouldn't have happened. But it can't be an accident that the overwhelming majority - all but just one - are male.

But it's a starting point. So, start allowing your male children to talk about their feelings, and for god's sake, let them cry without saying something like "you're a boy, what're you crying for?" (the number of times I've heard school officials say things like that in the schools I've worked in are countless). Let young men feel emotion freely, and help those that are past childhood come to terms with past emotional grievances. If you're a woman, don't reinforce this unreachable standard by teaching your sons not to cry or play emotion-driven games, push your partner to talk about his emotions, and don't show that you feel way more awkward around a crying man than a crying woman. If you're a man, accept that you've probably been conditioned not to feel as strongly, and to hide it when you do, or to turn sadness into a more acceptable emotion, like anger. Just like the mom's, don't pass this along to your sons. Model for them an acceptable way to deal with emotions, and never reprimand them for crying. Talk about bad feelings with people you trust. More than anything, seek help when you start to suspect that you're experiencing something other than just a case of the blues. Go onto your insurance's website to find a health professional in your area, or check out churches, non-profits, and co-counselling centers in your area.

Being forced to conform to societal norms means that individuals are oppressed, forced to act a certain way, and therefore often forgo what is right for them, especially in terms of treatment for mental illness. This cannot continue. Here's my contribution to the mental health discussion: when people - men and women - are put into boxes, everyone loses.