How our apology culture stops us from growing

I'm working on developing the trait of being able to call people out in an approachable, respectful and loving way. Getting "called out" and also feeling loved and respected don't usually go together. It takes a certain person with a certain mindset and certain relationship between the person at fault and the person doing the calling out to make it work. I've tried it many times but can count the number of times I've been successful on one hand.

To know what I mean, think to your closest relationship - probably a partner, best friend or sibling. Someone that you have a relationship of deep mutual respect with. Someone who can tell you "you know, it really hurts me when you do that" and you listen before getting defensive, and actually try to understand their perspective. Most of us don't have many relationships like this - we're lucky to have even one person that we can simultaneously be vulnerable enough to admit being hurt by, and loving enough to tell them so in a way that they will actually hear it, rather than becoming defensive.

Simply hearing "sorry" often isn't enough - like when a partner says "I'm sorry" after a big fight, but you know it's meaningless because they don't actually know what they're apologizing for. And I think we'd all prefer to be truly understood by those around us that to have a rose and a meaningless, if heartfelt, apology.

The reason these sorts of relationships are few and far between is because you have to be invested enough to listen to the offended person's perspective and attempt to truly understand it rather than simply apologizing so you can get past the awkwardness and move on. This is what about 99% of people you know do. Here's an example: you're at work, eating lunch in the break room when a co-worker you get along well with but aren't close to tells a story about forgetting his keys that morning and says "I'm like a blond chick sometimes," which you understand to be equated with being an idiot, at least to him. You look up, push your blond hair back from your face and say "excuse me?" The guy, who is a good and decent person, quickly apologizes. "Sorry, you know what I mean, it's just an expression." You want to keep it going, to ask him why he would say that if it would risk offending someone in the room and get him to agree to not say such things anymore, but you let it drop. You have to work with him every day, and after all, he did just give a real apology and clearly didn't mean to hurt you.

Of course, blonds don't get comments like this nearly as much as oppressed peoples - notably, women and minorities. As a white woman, I cannot speak to the minority experience and will leave it alone. If you're a minority and would like to comment, I'd love to read your thoughts. What I can speak to is what it's like to be a woman and hear things like:

• "God, that woman behind the counter didn't smile at me once - what a BITCH."
• "Why haven't you taken your husband's last name?"
• "Come on, pretty girl, smile! Don't look so sad."
• "Quit being such a tease."
• "All these little pre-teens in their booty shorts are just asking for it."
• "God I'd love to hit that ass."
• "Cat calling is just a harmless compliment. Just accept it for what it is."
• "Looks like Miley Cyrus has joined the slutty girls club."
• "You know how to install an air conditioner?"
• "Are you sure you want to use the drill? Maybe you should stick to the non-power tools."
• "Is it your period or something?"
• "What will you do about your job when you decide to have a family?"
• "I'm not sexist, you're just overly sensitive."

You can either ignore something or challenge it. If you are brave enough to challenge it, you can do so in two ways: the angry way that lets you get your feelings out while letting the other person know what a horrible person/idiot they are - or the way that is kind and loving and meant to effect some change in the offender rather than make him or her feel bad.

It's hard to challenge it in the loving way because it can feel so damn good to do it an angry and justified way. And anyone who gets hurt by someone else's thoughtless comment's feelings are totally justified. But when choosing to respond, you have to ask yourself: what is my end goal? Is the end goal is to walk away with a feeling of justified and angry self-righteousness, knowing you have one less friend, or to get that friend to truly understand why what they said was wrong and not do it again? The latter is what we want but the former is what normally happens. And that's human nature. But it's time to work against it.

Many people who say things degrading about sex or race - or blondness - are decent people who honestly don't know why what they're saying is hurtful. And if no one has ever taken the time to tell them how they sound and what it does to others, how could they?
Many people who say sexist things honestly don't feel like sexists. They are all for women and equality. Simply calling them sexist will turn them off to the conversation, and they won't learn how to actually not be sexist. This is why taking the time - and the risk - to call someone out in a loving and respectful way is, in a way, an ultimate form of respect. You respect them so much that you are willing to risk your friendship to help them reach a new understanding. My best friend is incredibly good at doing this, and has called me out in a loving and respectful way more than once. It's never easy to hear - and can be awkward considering that 99% of the time we agree with each other on everything - but it's worth it. I'm still developing the ability to do it, but here are a few things I've learned about calling someone out in a loving and respectful way, with the example of someone who said that all girls who wear booty shorts are sluts:

• Use the most loving and respectful tone possible. This can be incredibly hard when you're offended, but it's important to keep your tone friendly or at least neutral. 
• Focus on the behavior, not the person. "What you just said was pretty hurtful." Not "you're a hurtful person."
• Tell them how their words make them seem rather than telling them that they are that thing. "When you say something like that, it makes you seem like you're kind of a sexist." Not "You're a sexist for saying that." (It may be true, but remember, if the person honestly doesn't perceive themselves to be sexist, you won't be helping your cause, you'll just be giving that person a way to shut the conversation down.
• When the person says "What? But I'm not a sexist!" You can then say, in the most loving tone you can muster: "I know you're not! I know you, and I know you're not a bad person and that you don't mean to put women down. But you should know that when you say something like what you just said, it makes you seem like you're sexist." 

That's all I've got for my tips. Like I said, I've only been successful with this a small handful of times. But I'm working on it. I'm done with angry rants and justified tirades - they don't effect the change I want to see. This is other way much more difficult but, when successful, much more effective and satisfying.

So I'm asking you to try both giving and receiving it. If someone gives you an angry look or says "that wasn't cool" after you say what you thought was a harmless comment, apologize for offending them and then say you'd like to understand exactly why they were offended so you don't do it again. Listen to what they say. If you're a man listening to a women, you are not the expert, she is. If you're a white person listening to a non-white person, you are not the expert, they are. Listening from experts is how you will learn.

And, even more difficult, if you feel offended, do your best to accept an apology but to then keep the conversation going, even if it's awkward. Keep your tone neutral and focus on how their words make them seem like a sexist/racist/bad person, etc while acknowledging they aren't. Preaching to the choir is fun, but it doesn't effect any change. And if change is what we want, we need to be loving, respectful, and honest. I'd be lying if I said it always works - sometimes the offender might get angry and now you're in a an awkward place at work or your friend group. But when you actually change someone's mind about something you care deeply about, it's an incredible feeling. Give it a try and let me know how it goes and if you have any tips on how to do it well, pass them along - I surely need them.