How our apology culture stops us from growing

I'm working on developing the trait of being able to call people out in an approachable, respectful and loving way. Getting "called out" and also feeling loved and respected don't usually go together. It takes a certain person with a certain mindset and certain relationship between the person at fault and the person doing the calling out to make it work. I've tried it many times but can count the number of times I've been successful on one hand.

To know what I mean, think to your closest relationship - probably a partner, best friend or sibling. Someone that you have a relationship of deep mutual respect with. Someone who can tell you "you know, it really hurts me when you do that" and you listen before getting defensive, and actually try to understand their perspective. Most of us don't have many relationships like this - we're lucky to have even one person that we can simultaneously be vulnerable enough to admit being hurt by, and loving enough to tell them so in a way that they will actually hear it, rather than becoming defensive.

Simply hearing "sorry" often isn't enough - like when a partner says "I'm sorry" after a big fight, but you know it's meaningless because they don't actually know what they're apologizing for. And I think we'd all prefer to be truly understood by those around us that to have a rose and a meaningless, if heartfelt, apology.

The reason these sorts of relationships are few and far between is because you have to be invested enough to listen to the offended person's perspective and attempt to truly understand it rather than simply apologizing so you can get past the awkwardness and move on. This is what about 99% of people you know do. Here's an example: you're at work, eating lunch in the break room when a co-worker you get along well with but aren't close to tells a story about forgetting his keys that morning and says "I'm like a blond chick sometimes," which you understand to be equated with being an idiot, at least to him. You look up, push your blond hair back from your face and say "excuse me?" The guy, who is a good and decent person, quickly apologizes. "Sorry, you know what I mean, it's just an expression." You want to keep it going, to ask him why he would say that if it would risk offending someone in the room and get him to agree to not say such things anymore, but you let it drop. You have to work with him every day, and after all, he did just give a real apology and clearly didn't mean to hurt you.

Of course, blonds don't get comments like this nearly as much as oppressed peoples - notably, women and minorities. As a white woman, I cannot speak to the minority experience and will leave it alone. If you're a minority and would like to comment, I'd love to read your thoughts. What I can speak to is what it's like to be a woman and hear things like:

• "God, that woman behind the counter didn't smile at me once - what a BITCH."
• "Why haven't you taken your husband's last name?"
• "Come on, pretty girl, smile! Don't look so sad."
• "Quit being such a tease."
• "All these little pre-teens in their booty shorts are just asking for it."
• "God I'd love to hit that ass."
• "Cat calling is just a harmless compliment. Just accept it for what it is."
• "Looks like Miley Cyrus has joined the slutty girls club."
• "You know how to install an air conditioner?"
• "Are you sure you want to use the drill? Maybe you should stick to the non-power tools."
• "Is it your period or something?"
• "What will you do about your job when you decide to have a family?"
• "I'm not sexist, you're just overly sensitive."

You can either ignore something or challenge it. If you are brave enough to challenge it, you can do so in two ways: the angry way that lets you get your feelings out while letting the other person know what a horrible person/idiot they are - or the way that is kind and loving and meant to effect some change in the offender rather than make him or her feel bad.

It's hard to challenge it in the loving way because it can feel so damn good to do it an angry and justified way. And anyone who gets hurt by someone else's thoughtless comment's feelings are totally justified. But when choosing to respond, you have to ask yourself: what is my end goal? Is the end goal is to walk away with a feeling of justified and angry self-righteousness, knowing you have one less friend, or to get that friend to truly understand why what they said was wrong and not do it again? The latter is what we want but the former is what normally happens. And that's human nature. But it's time to work against it.

Many people who say things degrading about sex or race - or blondness - are decent people who honestly don't know why what they're saying is hurtful. And if no one has ever taken the time to tell them how they sound and what it does to others, how could they?

"Mercy" film urges discussion of rape and victim blaming

Mercy, a new indie film centered around the rape of young woman and fall out - which including victim blaming within a culture of rape - urges an important discussion of justice, violence, and victims in a society that allows and even encourages rape.

The film is meant to both further promote the dialogue that recent atrocities have begun, as well as explore the horrendous way that such crimes are dealt with by the media. As the website explains:

The incidents themselves are heinous, but the official response to them by the media -- and the American public at large -- is almost as disturbing.  The extent to which victims of sexual assault are shamed and ostracized for speaking up speaks volumes about the way our culture perceives rape.  And we are of the firm belief that this needs to change.

Needless to say, an incredibly important movie is being made. I've written on these issues before, and a film will hit home the very real way that rape affects people - probably in a way that will be extremely uncomfortable and downright painful. And that's a good thing.