a note from my interlude

I've taken a bit of a break from writing, and that has been intentional. Between finishing my second year of service, buckling down on my wedding planning and rediscovering how to make exercise and health a part of my lifestyle, writing has been put on the back burner.

But I'm going to be a married woman in one week from today, and there are a few things I need to share before that happens.

I need to share what you probably already know: how much of a burden is put on women in terms of weddings and marriage. Justin, my fiancé, has truly tried to help with the planning, and has even succeeded to a certain degree. With my dad, also a chef, he has planned the menu, worked out the catering stuff, ordered the animals, and learned how to roast them; he's also handled ordering the pies from our favorite Milwaukee bakery, and set up the whole rehearsal dinner. This is a lot. Especially considering how much our society in general has made it clear that he shouldn't have really done anything except get an outfit together and pick out some choice whisky for the guys in the wedding party.

But more than dealing with these to-be-expected expectations from society (SOCIETY!), I've learned that just being aware of them has not been enough to get around them. I'm talking about myself now. Being aware of the fact that the world has told Justin to be hands off in terms of our wedding didn't make me much more able to include him in the process as much as he would have liked. I've found myself making decisions without him and then back-tracking, or only briefly considering what he might want, or mentioning some detail about something I planned a month ago and could have sworn I at least told him about, only to find that no, he was not included and now it's too late to truly take his opinion into consideration.

This sucks. It's also another stark reminder of how sexism hurts everyone. Even as (I like to think) a conscious feminist, I struggle to break out of certain norms. I complain about how much work I'm doing but don't delegate enough to my willing partner. He, at the same time, truly wants to help but is told that's somehow not what he should be feeling "as a man." He's never expressed that feeling, but it is what the world at large tells him. I commend him for being able to rise above it, especially when it seems that I in many ways couldn't.

Just being aware of something is not enough. These past few weeks I've tried to more fully include him with what I'm doing, ask for his opinion and help and work, and not make decisions without him. It takes longer and is more difficult, but it's important that this wedding is just as much about him as it is about me. After all, we aim to be true partners, not just a guy and a girl making a go of it. He is one half of that partnership, not some silent little portion without a voice.

As far as the action items I promise to have in every post that people can take to work against this, here we go:

1. Ask the girl AND the guy how the wedding planning is going. It's his thing too, and he also has a lot to talk about. 95% of the time this question is directed only to me. It's annoying to both parties, and sends a message to the man that he is in no way involved. And of course he is. It's his wedding too.

2. That said, if you're a guy, TRY YOUR HARDEST to be involved. You have opinions and thoughts and preferences. Probably everything and everyone, including your fiancé, will expect you to not take an interest and to allow her to shoulder all of the burden. Don't let that happen. She's not the only one committing herself to life on this day.

3. Along with asking both people in the couple how the wedding planning is going, ask them both about what they're doing about their names. Not one person has asked Justin what he "plans to do about his name." I get this question at least once a week. I tell people I will not be changing my name, and that in fact, I am encouraging Justin to change his to mine. Because this question should be something we both struggle with, not just me. So ask your engaged guy friends if they plan on changing their name. Even if all you get is a shocked look, it may at least jolt some recognition around the reality of one of the last-standing truly institutionalized sexist practices of our society.

4. Recognize that just recognizing these instances of a male-dominated world is not enough. As I've learned, it takes a lot more. It takes hard work to work against these things. Do that hard work, even if it takes longer and feels strange and people are telling you not to. And not just with wedding planning. I'm grateful that this experience has taught me that I'm limited, and I need to work harder and do better.