A great example of women's impossibly narrow fashion standards

While reading about the recent factory collapse in Bangladesh, I saw a link on the bottom of the page called "The right way to wear leggings in school." Curious and already somewhat annoyed, I clicked. What I found was a perfect example of the incredibly narrow and nearly impossible to reach standards that women are expected to conform to. These tiny windows of what's acceptable exist in multiple areas - personal and professional conduct, sexual expression, how intelligent you come off - and are especially obvious within the fashion world.

Case in point: the leggings debate. Are they pants? Can they be worn with tight shirts? Does thickness matter? What if you're working out?

The article claims that no, they are not pants, and gives several pictures of celebrities to help women understand the incredibly narrow, specific way that they are acceptably worn. But look closer - they still give an inconclusive definition of what's ok. Some women wear them with shirts that go below the rear end (what I had learned should be worn with leggings during college) but others are sporting shirts that go perhaps midway down the rear or - wait - don't cover it at all. Some of them are wearing tighter shirts, some of them looser. The author mentions the need to hide the lines from undergarments, but that's not a real problem depending on the thickness of the leggings, and isn't that also a thing that happens with certain sweatpants or even certain jeans?

The conclusion I draw from this has nothing to do with how leggings should be "properly" worn, but more on the fact that women must conform to an impossibly narrow standard of dress.

The 'deranged' sorority girl's email is just a reflection of society's priorities for women

I'm not about to defend the Delta Gamma's officer's email that has been making headlines for it's ridiculously over the top emotions and threats. I mean, really, she threatens to "c***punt" her sisters. She also ridicules her sisters as being mentally slow (I personally have strong feelings about why we shouldn't liken people we don't find intelligent to individuals with downs syndrome) and emphasizes not showing up to the night's event if you're going to be a "cock block," which seems to give importance to the sexual gratification of the fraternity they've been paired with. But this isn't another post to expose and ridicule the author of the email.

While the media has been quick to publish the email, offer commentary, give advice on the eternalness of online content, and even do parodied readings, no one has stepped back and asked why: why did this woman write such a heartless and shocking email that reflects such misplaced values? Why would someone value the women of the group she is leading being fun and exciting to the men in the fraternity they had been paired with over having fun and being themselves?

I don't think this question even needs answering, but here we go. The woman who wrote the email is simply a reflection - a big, cartoonishly exaggerated reflection - of the values that society dictates to women.

What does an American "look like"?

Newsflash, since apparently the actual news people can't get it right. An American doesn't "look" like anything. American's are black and white, brown, copper, golden, and everything in-between. Americans have all colors of eyes, our hair is straight and thin, curly and thick. We have different dialects, cultures, and norms that vary from state to state among people whose families have been living here for generations, as well as newcomers.

If the Boston marathon bombers look so American, does that mean that people who are darker skinned, don't wear baseball caps, wear clothing other than jeans, and don't blend into a crowd or not?

Come on, media. Stop being so goddamn racist.

Why I'm not "excited" to get married

As a woman with a ring on her finger in the throes of planning a large wedding, I get asked a lot if I'm "getting excited" about getting married.

The simple answer is no. No, I'm not excited to get married.

If I have the time and the proper relationship with whoever asks me, I give that answer and explain that what I am excited about is to have a giant party with everyone we love in the world in attendance, giving us thoughtful gifts we can't afford ourselves and celebrating the concept of love. But I'm not excited to get married because essentially, nothing will change. So stop asking.

Don't get me wrong - I know that we'll now have certain legal protections and rights - like very important medical and hospital rights - that make marriage important, and make it something worth fighting for so that all people can access those rights. But for the (knock on wood) immediate future, nothing's changing. In a time past, yes, a ton would change. But that time, when couples didn't co-habitat or sleep together (maybe) until marriage hasn't been around for while.

But this is one of the things I've learned are expected of women when they're engaged. We are expected to be incredibly excited about getting married. We are also in charge of planning a huge, multi-layered event, carefully balancing the desires and demands of two families, trying not to step on toes while ultimately working towards what we want at our own "big day"s.

We already live together. We have a joint bank account and a dog. We had all those things before we were engaged. And we had something else, too - a deep and meaningful love and commitment to each other. So really, other than a few little details, nothing is going to change when we get married. We'll still have all those things. We'll still be committed to each other, we'll still work together to pay the bills and vacuum up animal hair, we'll still argue over where to go for dinner. We will still have to make an effort to meet each other's needs, still feel the pure and simple happiness of waking up next to the person we love every morning. We won't gain more commitment, and we won't lose any of the trouble spots within our relationship.

So why should I be excited to get married?

Rape Culture in South Africa: Helping Anene Booysen

Anenes foster mother holds her photo at her funeral

I wrote a few days about the brutal gang rape of Anene Booysen, the 17-year-old South African woman who was so horrendously traumatized that her family is requesting the media not release the details. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about how a culture of rape contributes to, well, a prevalence of rape, and learning about what a huge problem this is in South Africa. I've also been looking for some tangible ways to support the situation in South Africa specifically. Read on for what I've found.

Part II: Rape Culture in South Africa

A baby girl born in South Africa has a higher chance of experiencing rape in her lifetime than of learning how to read. Statistics disagree about whether it's one in three women who are raped, or one in two women, and if it's every  36, 26, or 17 seconds that a woman is raped. The country has the highest rate of child and baby rape in the world, which stems from the myth that sex with a virgin will a man of HIV or AIDS. (This type of rape occurs every two minutes in South Africa.) An explosive survey revealed that many men find gang rape a good way to experience male bonding, and that while violence against women is by far the most prevalent, one in ten men have been raped by other men. There's also this idea that you can "cure" a lesbian by raping her, leading to the surge of "corrective rape," leading to more than 10 lesbian women being raped every week in an attempt to "turn" her into a heterosexual.

Whatever the real statistics are, the problem is an epidemic.

It seems that South Africa is an immensely patriarchal society, and women are often blamed for rape. Many men view rape as a way to assert themselves as men, especially if they are bullied for not being circumcised or having to do "women's work" around the house, an example of which you can read here.

The standards of thought create a stigma against rape, which causes 8 out of 9 women to not report their rape to the police. 76% of rapists who are accused will never be prosecuted for their crimes. Of the 24% who are, most of them end up in jail because of surviving child victims telling their stories on the stand. But for men who rape adult women, the rate of incarceration drops to just 3%.

There are many complicating factors to the South African rape culture. There is an emotional, social, and economic legacy of apartheid's incredibly brutal racial segregation to consider.

since you're already here...

go ahead and take a look at this video: 

these women are about to tell you some things that are absolutely non of your business

then, tell me if you'd like to get a group of ladies together to recreate this and share it on youtube.

South African Gang Rape Leaves Me at a Loss for Words

Anene Booyson

The gang rape of 17-year-old South African Anene Booyson has left me at a loss for words. 

According to this cnn article, the details of her rape and mutilation are so horrendous that the family has requested that the media not release the details. 

If you think you can handle those details, this jezebel article has them. But I warn you, reading this marks one of the few times that I've had a physically painful reaction to reading something. I'll probably be nauseous the rest of the night. 

We know that these breathtakingly brutal crimes happen to women every day. This is a reminder of why 2013 shouldn't just be the year to end rape, it needs to be the year to end rape. This needs to stop. 

But how to do this? This is supposed to be a blog about being action-oriented, but reading about this crime has left me at a loss for words. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about how we can combat crimes like this through the daily actions of our every day lives. Stay tuned, and in the mean time, if you have ideas, please share.