What does an American "look like"?

Newsflash, since apparently the actual news people can't get it right. An American doesn't "look" like anything. American's are black and white, brown, copper, golden, and everything in-between. Americans have all colors of eyes, our hair is straight and thin, curly and thick. We have different dialects, cultures, and norms that vary from state to state among people whose families have been living here for generations, as well as newcomers.

If the Boston marathon bombers look so American, does that mean that people who are darker skinned, don't wear baseball caps, wear clothing other than jeans, and don't blend into a crowd or not?

Come on, media. Stop being so goddamn racist.

Why I'm not "excited" to get married

As a woman with a ring on her finger in the throes of planning a large wedding, I get asked a lot if I'm "getting excited" about getting married.

The simple answer is no. No, I'm not excited to get married.

If I have the time and the proper relationship with whoever asks me, I give that answer and explain that what I am excited about is to have a giant party with everyone we love in the world in attendance, giving us thoughtful gifts we can't afford ourselves and celebrating the concept of love. But I'm not excited to get married because essentially, nothing will change. So stop asking.

Don't get me wrong - I know that we'll now have certain legal protections and rights - like very important medical and hospital rights - that make marriage important, and make it something worth fighting for so that all people can access those rights. But for the (knock on wood) immediate future, nothing's changing. In a time past, yes, a ton would change. But that time, when couples didn't co-habitat or sleep together (maybe) until marriage hasn't been around for while.

But this is one of the things I've learned are expected of women when they're engaged. We are expected to be incredibly excited about getting married. We are also in charge of planning a huge, multi-layered event, carefully balancing the desires and demands of two families, trying not to step on toes while ultimately working towards what we want at our own "big day"s.

We already live together. We have a joint bank account and a dog. We had all those things before we were engaged. And we had something else, too - a deep and meaningful love and commitment to each other. So really, other than a few little details, nothing is going to change when we get married. We'll still have all those things. We'll still be committed to each other, we'll still work together to pay the bills and vacuum up animal hair, we'll still argue over where to go for dinner. We will still have to make an effort to meet each other's needs, still feel the pure and simple happiness of waking up next to the person we love every morning. We won't gain more commitment, and we won't lose any of the trouble spots within our relationship.

So why should I be excited to get married?

Rape Culture in South Africa: Helping Anene Booysen

Anenes foster mother holds her photo at her funeral

I wrote a few days about the brutal gang rape of Anene Booysen, the 17-year-old South African woman who was so horrendously traumatized that her family is requesting the media not release the details. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about how a culture of rape contributes to, well, a prevalence of rape, and learning about what a huge problem this is in South Africa. I've also been looking for some tangible ways to support the situation in South Africa specifically. Read on for what I've found.

Part II: Rape Culture in South Africa

A baby girl born in South Africa has a higher chance of experiencing rape in her lifetime than of learning how to read. Statistics disagree about whether it's one in three women who are raped, or one in two women, and if it's every  36, 26, or 17 seconds that a woman is raped. The country has the highest rate of child and baby rape in the world, which stems from the myth that sex with a virgin will a man of HIV or AIDS. (This type of rape occurs every two minutes in South Africa.) An explosive survey revealed that many men find gang rape a good way to experience male bonding, and that while violence against women is by far the most prevalent, one in ten men have been raped by other men. There's also this idea that you can "cure" a lesbian by raping her, leading to the surge of "corrective rape," leading to more than 10 lesbian women being raped every week in an attempt to "turn" her into a heterosexual.

Whatever the real statistics are, the problem is an epidemic.

It seems that South Africa is an immensely patriarchal society, and women are often blamed for rape. Many men view rape as a way to assert themselves as men, especially if they are bullied for not being circumcised or having to do "women's work" around the house, an example of which you can read here.

The standards of thought create a stigma against rape, which causes 8 out of 9 women to not report their rape to the police. 76% of rapists who are accused will never be prosecuted for their crimes. Of the 24% who are, most of them end up in jail because of surviving child victims telling their stories on the stand. But for men who rape adult women, the rate of incarceration drops to just 3%.

There are many complicating factors to the South African rape culture. There is an emotional, social, and economic legacy of apartheid's incredibly brutal racial segregation to consider.

since you're already here...

go ahead and take a look at this video: 

these women are about to tell you some things that are absolutely non of your business

then, tell me if you'd like to get a group of ladies together to recreate this and share it on youtube.

South African Gang Rape Leaves Me at a Loss for Words

Anene Booyson

The gang rape of 17-year-old South African Anene Booyson has left me at a loss for words. 

According to this cnn article, the details of her rape and mutilation are so horrendous that the family has requested that the media not release the details. 

If you think you can handle those details, this jezebel article has them. But I warn you, reading this marks one of the few times that I've had a physically painful reaction to reading something. I'll probably be nauseous the rest of the night. 

We know that these breathtakingly brutal crimes happen to women every day. This is a reminder of why 2013 shouldn't just be the year to end rape, it needs to be the year to end rape. This needs to stop. 

But how to do this? This is supposed to be a blog about being action-oriented, but reading about this crime has left me at a loss for words. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about how we can combat crimes like this through the daily actions of our every day lives. Stay tuned, and in the mean time, if you have ideas, please share. 

what is "rape culture"?

Sorry to put a buzz on your Valentine's Day high, but I'm still thinking a lot about the recent gang rape of South African teenager Anene Booyson. Even on Valentine's Day, in this country, a woman is sexually assaulted every two minutes. In South Africa, a woman is raped every four minutes. (In the war zones like the Congo, it's more like every minute. Needless to say, there is a rape going on, somewhere in the world, as you read this sentence). And now that I've had some time to think about it, I think that one of the best things that we can do, as individuals throughout our normal days, is to combat rape culture.

But before we dive into ways to combat it, it's important to understand what rape culture really is. So, without further ado, welcome to a series of posts about the subject.

Part I

What is "rape culture"?

There is a culture of rape around the world, and America is not excluded. Throughout my next few posts, I'll be exploring what this means and a few quick, simple ways to combat it, and I'm really hoping for some comments.

This first post is about defining rape culture and the serious effects it has on women.

The idea of "rape culture" refers to an environment in which rape not only exists, but is prevalent and normalized through the media and culture in general. Things like misogynistic language ("you hit like a girl"), glamorized sexual violence (check out just a few examples here) and objectification of women's bodies create a culture that makes sexual violence seem a bit more normal, which makes for a society that doesn't take women's right and safety seriously.

This affects all women, not just the ones who live in unsafe areas or frequent drunken parties. The rape of just a few women means degradation, fear, and certain limitations on all women. Most women in America limit their behavior because of the simple existence of rape - how many female readers have never felt the need to walk home with friends late at night, or been slightly frightened by a man's action, or even the way he looks at you? Most men do not feel the need to take the precautions against rape that women take, which is how a rape culture puts women in a subordinate position to men. This is true despite the face that many men are not rapists, and many women will never experience rape. The degradation, fear, and limitation exist for all women regardless of whether or not they themselves have been a victim of a sexual attack.

If you haven't heard of the Steubenville rape, it's time you did

The Stuebenville rape case is making news because of both the unabashed use of videos and social media by the rapists that practically give a minute-by-minute description of what happened, and because of the relentless work of crime blogger Alenxandria Goddard of Prinniefied. An ex-resident of Steubenville who knows the small town's obsession with the high school football team, she suspected that there was probably more to the story of football players allegedly assaulting a young girl, and made sure to preserve evidence of references to the rape made on social media. Somewhere there are pictures of the victim, naked and unconscious, that were texted between the rapists. There's a 12 minute video of the young rapists joking about how dead the girl must be, and how hard they raped her, with various other male voices laughing in the background. There are tweets referencing rape, such as this one: